The Story Behind the Story: "Small Worlds"
A behind-the-scenes look at how this short fiction came to life
Small Worlds is available to read at A Thin Slice of Anxiety, first published in October 2023.
Of all the short stories I’ve written so far, Small Worlds arguably hits closest to home, for many reasons.
In the literal sense, the Greater Los Angeles Area, particularly Santa Monica, has been my home away from home for the last year and a half — with the iconic Santa Monica Pier only about a 10-minute drive away. Growing up, I’ve also always dreamt of independent living, only to be slapped in the face in adulthood by the brutal realities of loneliness, anxiety, and depression when I thought I’ve gotten what I wished for.
Recently, I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, which a quick Google search defines as the “fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment.” It was a relief to finally put a label on it, instead of having this unknown lingering cloud in my head that has been negatively impacting how I make choices and interact with the world. But despite the diagnosis and the prescribed medication to help with my condition, venturing outside and having to leave the safe confines of my apartment have not been any less difficult or derailing.
This diagnosis was the main impetus for writing this story.
The thing that I struggle with the most when I am out in public, often alone, is the loss of control. Because there are so many uncontrollable factors (e.g. people, events, etc) at play, my mind and body tend to default to a fight-or-flight mode as a means of self-protection, so I catastrophize and prepare for the worst case scenarios, even though there is little to no evidence that my perceived version of reality would happen.
Through this story, our protagonist, and her miniature art, I project my desire to reassert control.
The inspiration behind using miniature art as a device for this story happened to be a random Instagram post on my feed that featured hobbyists specializing in the niche space of miniature art making. I remember seeing it and immediately capturing it in my notes for story inspiration because as astonishing (and likely therapeutic) the craft was for these hobbyists, I felt there were elements of mystery and darkness associated with it as well, especially if one devotes significant number of hours creating and perfecting these tiny make-believe worlds instead of spending more time in the real one.
From there, I found it easy to make the connection between miniature art and mental health/illness because both revolved around the umbrella theme of (re)asserting agency over things that we otherwise wouldn’t have control over.
The final scene was the hardest and most satisfying to write because I wanted to end the story in such a way that the distortion of reality for Natalia becomes evident, without necessarily spelling it out for the reader.
In the real world, Natalia accidentally cuts her fingers and bleeds. However, she is unbothered because she’s already living in a different world — and even as her blood drips onto the diorama, in her version of reality, there is no concept of pain.
The ending is sad, intentionally, as Natalia chooses to live vicariously through her maquettes instead of enjoying life in the real world.
Like Natalia, I have personally entertained thoughts of moving back to my childhood home in the Philippines or not leaving my apartment unless absolutely needed, so I wanted the story to be a reminder to myself of what not to do — that despite the fears, the frustrations, and the forces beyond one’s control, there’s a whole world to explore and experiences to live through. And it will always be worth it, even if my anxious mind tells me otherwise.
The Story Behind the Story is a newsletter series where I pull back the curtain on my original works of short fiction that have been published in literary magazines and journals.
By doing so, I hope to have written artifacts beyond the stories themselves and be reminded of my motivations, inspirations, and evolving writing process, as well as the state of the external world and my inner life in that moment in time.
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing this ❤️